Yin-Yang

It was the early hours of the morning when my water broke. I was just shy of 2 weeks to my due date. This was happening. This was exciting!! When I showed up at the hospital, the attending medical personnel did not believe my water had broken.

After testing to see if the fluid was indeed amniotic fluid, what I already knew was confirmed: my water had broke. What I did not know was that once your water breaks, you are admitted to the hospital and you do not leave until the baby arrives. So here I was.

Committed to having a natural birth, no interventions, no drugs, I began to do what I could to get things moving: I walked, climbed stairs, I even left the grounds when I wasn't supposed to, to go eat spicy Mexican food.

Contractions were happening but they were not strong and they were very spaced out. Things were not progressing. I slept at the hospital. I had some contractions in the night but the contractions seemed to lessen, not gain in intensity. I had already been through two midwife shifts, each trying to offer a new way of getting things moving. I wanted this to happen naturally, so I resisted. I remember the midwife on the night shift, coming in (my first time meeting her), sitting down and looking at me and she said something like "I want to have a baby tonight." And I remember thinking "this isn't about you lady." My body, my baby. I was thankful to be with yet another midwife come morning.

The hospital's policy was that after 24 hours of your water breaking, and things not progressing on their own, you will be induced. I somehow managed to get away with 36 hours by continually disappearing: walking, climbing, eating Mexican food. So here I was, 36 hours and defeated. I had to succumb to Pitocin.

That got things moving, FAST, contractions every few minutes, for the next 12 hours. Yep, that's right. Twelve hours, eventually taking me to the depths of hell. There is an ancient belief that a mother goes to heaven to receive her baby. Did you know you had to go through hell to get to heaven? How's that for all encompassing - wholeness - completeness? Yin-Yang. No light without dark.

When your water breaks before you go into labor, which only happens 20% of the time (Hollywood is misleading), they do not check your cervix for dilation for fear of causing an infection. So safely, after five hours of intense laboring, it was time. Are you ready for this? 1 cm. 1 fucking centimeter!! I had heard Pitocin can be like knocking on a closed door. That felt about right.

My midwife told me not to get discouraged, my cervix was completely effaced. So I battled on. The most fucking pain I have ever been in. I knew there was a drug I could take to ease the pain and it sat there like a little angel with devil horns on my shoulder but the triple combination of determination, exhaustion and agony did not allow me to pay it much mind. It wasn't until after I birthed my daughter that my doula told me she was about to recommend an epidural if I dipped any lower.

Beaten down, I became the woman I had seen giving birth on a video - the woman who fell asleep between contractions. I was getting close and I wanted this baby OUT! I had learned women began to make deep guttural sounds as a sign that they were ready to push. So I attempted those or maybe they were real, who really knows at that point. An hour and a half of pushing and my daughter finally passed though the ring of fire and was placed directly on my bare chest. I fucking did it. Thank GOD.

It was the most surreal, incredible experience having my first child there with me after having her grow inside me for the past nine months. I didn't know she was a she until she was born or actually a little while after. But that's a story for next time.