The Orgasm

After the vaginal birth of my daughter, I was guarded for some time over that sacred space of my body. I was guarded over my breasts as well, which were now used to nourish life. With these biological processes, I had metamorphosed into a mother, my old self molted and left on the delivery bed.

I wasn't sure when I would want those parts of my body touched again in a sensual way. It would take some time, that I knew, followed by tentative exploration. It had to happen some time, right? My new self would surely blossom into a sexual being once again…

Once my breasts balanced out their milk production, they seemed to be open to the idea of my husband's hands. My vagina took a little longer to open up construction to a two way street. I began to see promise but still questioned if I would ever orgasm again. This fear silenced all thought.

Chitta Vritti Nirodha: stilling the fluctuations of the mind. This is the aim of yoga, of meditation. To become one with your experience. This is enlightenment.

Outside of meditation, there are other ways we experience enlightenment. When we are being born; check. When we die; no thanks. When we fall asleep; no wonder lack of sleep drives you mad. When we sneeze; achoo. Laugh; hahaheehee. Cry; boohoo. When we poop; pee yew. And what else? You guessed it: the orgasm. I will let you use your imagination as to what comes after that.

No wonder this was such a big deal! If lack of sleep drives you mad, just think what lack of orgasm could do!! I was not about to let that happen.

I can't remember just how or when it happened, but one soul-shiny day, I attended my weekly PEPS group, which continued to be a source of support in this most transformative of times. Likely the actual weather in Seattle was grey and rainy, but my internal and maybe even external glow made up for that.

We were gathered in the living room of one of the mammas, seated in one great big circle. When it was my turn to say my high and low of the week, I beamed. I was ecstatic to report (to a room of faces turned shocked - not because of the accomplishment itself but because of my forthrightness): I had finally had my first orgasm as a mother. Hallelujah! Life was going to be okay.