Letting Go...

I remember thinking, when is there ever going to be a good time to start trying to get pregnant? Always one more party, one more wedding, one more vacation. Am I really ready to give up my body? And then the time came. I had finished my yoga teacher training program which was something I really wanted to do before starting a family. We had a trip planned to Italy with some friends and this was going to be the time to let go of contraception and enjoy sex to the fullest because there was no concern of getting pregnant: that was the goal. I have to say the first night with semen up inside of me, I wasn't sure if I had made the right call. Why is doubt always there ready to step in for confidence?

It was an amazing trip. Our friends got engaged. I had never actualized romance in Europe before. A trip to tantalize the senses whenever there is a need. But no baby was conceived. No Florence to name after the city of conception. No one said you would nail it in one try, although I had started to hear stories of whoops babies where a woman seemed to get pregnant just by looking at her husband a certain way.

So month after month, blood telling my story of failure, I began to assume motherhood wasn't meant for me. I had always wanted a baby, always. So I assumed it was the universe telling me not to be greedy or something like that: I wanted it too much to get it, just like the boobs that never came in my youth. I was disappointed for sure. But just to paint a clear picture, I am not really one to dwell. Obsess yes. I can 't seem to shake that one, so recently I have started to embrace it. And I tell you that is a beautiful thing. When we accept things, that is when the magic happens.

I had accepted the fact that I may not have a child. I started to envision what life would be like without a child. It wasn't so bad really. In fact, I got excited about the possibilities. But I still loved those darn stinking cute babies. So I wasn't ready to give up on them entirely. I took a pre/postnatal yoga teacher training. I enrolled in a program to become a Postpartum Doula. I started teaching a postnatal yoga class. All this time, I was still enjoying life free of contraception and each time getting excited about the possibility, buying a pregnancy test anytime I thought just maybe… But I honestly had let go of the attachment, the wanting. And then, it happened.

All in all it was only seven months from trying to conception. And I am not saying that letting go is all you need to get pregnant. I know there are some who face the inability to do so for various reasons. This is my story and I wanted to share it with you. Because maybe it could help. Baby or no baby, the process of letting go was healing.