A Few Moments to Ourselves

Content warning: This blog post details disturbing images and experiences postpartum.

By the time I had given birth to Niley, I had hardly slept for three days. When I got home from the hospital, the sleeplessness continued. Jon claims I was practically awake for at least a week straight. The discomfort we experience sleeping while pregnant appears to be preparatory work for what's to come.

Niley would continue to wake every hour in the night, two if I was lucky, for the next several months. Sleep deprivation is scary. It became clear to me why it's used as a form of torture. I became fearful of falling asleep, knowing I could be woken again at any moment. Eventually I would develop insomnia where I would, what I called, fall awake: right when I would finally fall asleep, I would instantly wake. It was the most disturbing sensation and would happen repeatedly throughout the night.

I remember having thoughts about tossing Niley out the window. To be clear, I knew I wouldn't actually toss her out the window. We are not our thoughts. In a way, this thought was soothing during a time of torture. The whooshing sensation of rocking her and out the window she goes, freeing me of all responsibility. Moms who have been there will know what I am talking about.

If you experience ideas of hurting yourself or your baby, please contact your trusted health care provider, local emergency number, or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1 800 273 TALK (8255).

This metamorphosis into motherhood is intense. So much change! So much to grieve. So much to embrace. In a way, everything is obviously new.

In those first sleepless days I imagined putting Niley, all bundled up, out on the street. She was like a turtle on her back. She couldn't go anywhere. Couldn't save herself. This unsettling thought, which again, I never would have acted upon (we are not our thoughts) was a way to self communicate the enormity of responsibility in caring for a newborn baby. Their survival literally depends on us.

We are capable of taking on this enormous task. It is ingrained in us to respond, to act, to care. Our sympathetic nervous system is on high alert enabling us to keep this baby alive and thriving.

We need support during this demanding time, lots of it: Friends to drop off meals, Nanas to hold the sleeping baby, Partners to wash the dishes, A FEW MOMENTS TO OURSELVES to breathe, sigh, sleep - to activate our parasympathetic nervous system in order to rest and digest.

The Postpartum Experience Project culminates with a six week post birth yoga course designed specifically with that in mind. The 'Meta Mamma Yoga' Course offers support and encouragement to new mammas as they journey through the transformation into motherhood. Meta Mamma is a name I offer to women as they journey through this transformation - a name that acknowledges and honors the whole being transformation into motherhood. It is my hope that the name will inspire and empower women as they transform.